


Retail Therapy

by Greyias



Category: Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Retail, Crack, Gen, I'm Sorry, The Stupid Mall AU, this is without a doubt the stupidest thing i have ever written
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-10
Updated: 2020-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:48:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23089630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Greyias/pseuds/Greyias
Summary: A long time ago, in a mall far, far away…
Comments: 7
Kudos: 22





	Retail Therapy

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a really silly joke on Discord, and written for the prompt: "Hold me back!"
> 
> Honestly gen, with only the slightest hints of shippiness (two guesses what ship). I would have filed this with the rest of the crackfics, but that felt odd considering those are, despite their crack, canon-based. So this one gets its own entry.

> ##  _A long time ago, in a mall far, far away…_

* * *

“Hold me back, dear! I will not be treated this way!”

“Look, I already told you,” said one Lana Beniko, part-time clerk and also clearly at the end of her patience, “you have to have a valid receipt to get a refund on an item.”

“I don’t have a receipt,” the lanky brunette seethed. “Just give me my money!”

“It’s technically the money of Imperial 1 Imports. Not yours.”

“This is _unacceptable_ ,” the irate customer continued, voice rising in pitch. “I have never met a more incompetent clerk in my life! I demand to speak to your manager!”

“I really don’t think that’s wise…”

“Don’t you backtalk me you little—”

The woman’s tirade cut was off in lurch, her face drawing up in shock and surprise as her hands flew to her throat. The woman’s meek companion watched in alarm, but made no move to help her. A tall and dark figure practically glided across the floor of the store. The long line of customers waiting to get to the register parted as the store’s manager stalked by, his hand held out in front of him, index finger and thumb drawn together as if he were holding something unseen — or perhaps choking it.

“You asked for the manager?” Marr growled in his low tone.

The formerly irate customer gasped uselessly, mouth opening and closing without any voice emerging. Just as her skin began to take on an unhealthy blue shade, the store manager dropped his hand, and the woman crumpled to the ground.

“No receipt,” Marr rumbled, “no refund.”

All of the customers waiting in line for the exchange counter quickly began rifling through their pockets, purses, and everywhere else to make sure they had the proper receipt before they reached the counter. 

Meanwhile, just across from Imperial 1 Imports, the loud voice of the manager at the Banana Republic could be heard echoing across the Galactic Mall’s main thoroughfare.

“Damn it, Theron,” Marcus Trant’s voice raised in pitch, “how many times do I have to tell you, you have to keep the polos folded like this? How will we ever clear out our inventory if it always looks like a bomb went off in here?”

“Bomb did go off in here,” huffed Teff’ith, brightly clad in a yellow polo, She poked her foot at the trail of glitter that trailed her coworker.

Theron ignored the glitter that trailed in his wake, glancing back at the large display table that had been upended in his elaborate but ultimately successful attempt to stop a shoplifter. “Hey, it all worked out in the end, right?”

Marcus let out a dramatic sigh, hanging his head briefly before it snapped back up and swiveled around to bark out a sharp order to the clerk behind the counter. “Damn it, Balkar! Stop flirting with the customers and just ring her up already. The line’s practically out the door!”

“Sorry, boss, she’s just—”

“Now,” Marcus said sternly, and then turned to Teff’ith, “and you—clean up this glitter bomb.”

“It Theron’s mess,” she protested. “Make him clean!”

Marcus ignored her, too intent on lifting up his feet, looking at the soles of his shoes. “The Missus isn’t going to believe this…”

“Why you have glitter bomb _anyway_?” Teff’ith seethed at her coworker, who was looking far too smug and proud of himself. 

“Sorry,” Theron said, “that’s classified.”

Back out in between the two rival stores sat a small kiosk. The proprietor of Tython Tea and Coffee Emporium sighed wearily as she heard her son’s name called out, yet again, by his manager. It was the third time this week. If he kept it up, he was likely to get himself suspended. Satele didn’t understand why he acted out so much — if only he could conduct himself a little more like a model employee. Much like the young barista next to her, who had just been named employee of the month for the fourth time in a row. The stars on the young girl’s name badge were getting so numerous, people were jokingly referring to her as the “Hero of Tython.”

Of course, the girl would need to stay a little more focused to keep said title. Satele raised an eyebrow as the young barista had paused, yet again, in the middle of preparing a latte to stare with hearts practically in her eyes at the sullen teenager leaving behind a trail of glitter behind him.

“Remember the Employee Code,” Satele cautioned, and the girl blushed, quickly returning to her duties. “Do not go too heavy on the dark chocolate — this is not Sithabon.”

“Yes, of course,” the young girl stammered, stealing one last look at the dashing rogue clerk covered in glitter. 

Back at Imperial 1 Imports, Marr glared at the obnoxiously boisterous clothing store, and tiny little kiosk that stood between the them. “One day, Beniko, we will _crush_ the Banana Republic!”

“Yes, sir,” Lana agreed in a monotone, “I’m sure we will.”

**Author's Note:**

> Details about this universe that didn't make it into this fic, and are totally unnecessary, but I feel I must share them anyway:
> 
>   * I had no way of working these store names into the story, but they're totally there: Huttberg Diamonds, Jawa Juice, The Muja Store
>   * Jace is a security guard that embarasses his son every time he does his rounds
>   * Revan is Theron's grandpa who lives at the Maelstrom Retirement Home, who at one point tries to take over the mall
>   * Ngani Zho is also Theron's grandpa who likes to tell stories really loudly in the food court
>   * Everyone is really confused about how many grandparents Theron has and why they're all related to Satele
>   * The Barsenthor also works at Tython Tea and Coffe Emporium (and somehow keep getting Employee of the Year, even though the Hero of Tython keeps winning Employee of the Month every consecutive month)
>   * There's an electronics store/skeevy spy shop that's in league with Imperial One Imports and Sithabon, and they're so impersonal with their employees they insist on giving each one a number instead of using their names. Everyone is afraid of Employee Nine. They know things
>   * This note is getting too long so I'll stop now.
> 



End file.
